The Scary Things

Life is not all roses and kittens and rainbows. If it were, we would certainly not appreciate them. We all have those moments in our lives where our heart leaps up into our throat, skips a beat, and we think wild things about what could be in the worst of all situations. I think this is normal. To be reminded of our mortality makes us sit up straighter and pay attention to little stuff- when nothing ever happens or goes wrong we get too... comfortable.

There was a period of time, in my twenties, after my good friend Amanda passed away, when I was absolutely sure that I had a brain tumor. I have had a chronic history of terrible migraines and headaches which up to that point were unexplainable by a doctor. I talked myself down off the ledge every day by rationalizing that there is statistically a nonexistent possibility that my best friend in the world would die of a disease that is relatively rare and that I, who was as close to her as I was, would also have the exact same thing. Unlikely, right?

Right.

Yep.

I told myself that by thinking that I would statistically beat the odds, worse odds than winning the lottery even, that I was egotistical and arrogant. Isn't it? You have statistically bad odds of winning the lottery, so thinking that you will is crazy. The same goes for having good odds of being brain tumor free, so thinking that you have one is also crazy.

I am generally just crazy and yes, these are my inner rationalizations as a human being who is inclined towards mathematical proofs. I 100% accept this about myself and move on.

I went to 3 different doctors who all tried to prescribe me medication to get rid of my headaches, which I rejected each time... I would almost scream in fear I don't want to artificially mask these symptoms!! I don't want a band aid!! I want to know what the hell is wrong with me! Doctors these days are trained pen in hand to write a script and send you on your way. If that is dissatisfactory to you, then object! Continue asking questions! Don't let them walk out of that room without giving you a plausable explanation... or the satisfaction of making them finally say "I don't know... let's find someone else who can help us figure this out."

I found a doctor who wrote me a script for a full neck-up MRI. I was scared to tears by this point - psychosomatically hearing ringing in my ears and smelling weird smells. But, my fears were put to rest by the absolutely perfect picture of health shown on the MRI results. So what then??

It turns out that my fear of a brain tumor was also a masked desire to have a quick and easy explanation for what was going on. Obviously, that would have been a terrible easy answer. It took me more than 10 years to find all of the things that trigger me. Dehydration, florescent lighting, not wearing sunglasses outside, wearing sunglasses/headbands/headphones that were too tight on my head, certain fragrances and chemicals, sleeping too much or too little, too long without food, stress (obv)...

These days, I get a headache maybe once a month. And I can always pinpoint why. These scary things are good things when nothing comes of them - they force a self discovery or change that you weren't open to previously. There's no need to be morbid, but there is a great need to take care of yourself. And say I love you every chance you get.

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